“She’s too much”

I won’t apologize for my childhood traumas.
I won’t apologize for the healing I have to do.
I won’t apologize for needing more because I never had it before.

I won’t apologize for being in the process of my healing journey.
I won’t apologize for digging deep and uprooting my damaged self, even if that
makes you feel like “I’m doing too much”
(Trust me, it’s too much for me too)

I just won’t apologize for the pain I’m working through.
I’m done feeling like I need to make up for my “shortcomings”
certainly won’t apologize for the brokenness experience.

What I WILL apologize for is for deflecting my unhealed trauma unto others.
I WILL apologize for my short sightedness hurts another.
I WILL be accountable for hurting another.
Butlet’s be kind because EVERYONE has brokenness whether they want to
confront it or not.
I will always give my respect to those who work on themselves before casting
judgement onto others.
Be a perfect whole soul before you dismiss/judge someone else.
Be humble.

Hopeless Hope

A few days ago I had a thought…

Just how important having HOPE has been for my survival in this world.

In this moment in time, I find myself asking “how much hope leads to hopelessness?

Too much hope makes you hopeless which in turn makes you naive and blindly optimistic.

So my perspective of having hope seems to be changing to it being a type of downfall. A belief that something will get better.

The dictionary definition HOPE means:

1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen

2. a feeling of trust

So when and how do you find the limitations of hope?

I guess that’s it for now…

xx

My heart hurts.

The type of deep pain that literally feels heavy inside. Like my insides feel the trauma.

The confusion and helplessness amidst trying to keep the fire alive to fight to survive.

The type of deep pain that shakes you to your core. Disrupting anything starting to feel more whole.

The reality of being completely broken yet still here living.

The suffering between contradicting pulls to heal yet exhausted to try.

The type of deep loneliness that you can just feel like a lump in your throat trying to hold back tears.

The overwhelming damage and the challenge to stitch myself back up only to wonder “what’s the point?”

The unwillingness to give up yet feeling weighed down and unable.

I don’t even feel unworthy anymore.

I just feel over it.

These triggering moments are the hardest.

The conscious awareness of the trigger and pushing through those moments of an anxiety attack.

The self soothing work. Being kind to myself instead of punishing myself for being triggered.

This is excruciating.

Love curse.

I love so easily. So deeply. So willingly.

It’s a curse.

I never knew I was supposed to guard my heart in so many ways. It sounds so naive, I know. Honestly it’s so sad they didn’t ever really love you but they loved the way you loved them.

My heart feels achy thinking about how foolish I am. The way I’m built. My natural instinct is to love.

I love to love and break my own heart.

Pathetic.

Xx

Is my life an inconvenience?

I’ve reflected a lot the past few years on my own self worth. My identity. My purpose.

Growing up, I have embedded in my mind- “Don’t get in the way. Don’t disturb dad. Don’t embarrass your parents. Don’t talk so much at school. You dont get good enough grades.”

Then as a grown adult, it’s been repeatedly shown to me “Don’t to be so opinionated. Keep your head down and just work. Be grateful you have a job regardless of the havoc on your mental health. Bosses are supposed to be tough (or toxic?) Get married. When are you having kids?” On and on…

In many ways I have always felt misplaced. I’ve always felt different. Always felt like an inconvenience. A burden.

I’ve come to realize that I’ve lived with this constant idea of “I am not worthy yet”

Yet, your self worth shouldn’t be a reflection of what you have accomplished or have to show for my successes, but rather, a reflection of who YOU ARE- your integrity, character, and the empathetic part of you (which I still believe is a curse, but more on that another time). So why is it easier to put myself down than up?

Because often times, our self worth is measured by your bank account and assets.

In this world, the more you care for others seems to make you worth less yourself.

How messed up is that?

Would you agree?

Xx

I lost the fighter in me.

When does depression end?

You know how you hear some people say, “I struggled with depression for 2 years and I’m so much better now!”

I want to know. When does that happen?

When do the cycles of LOW end?

It’s been about 4 weeks since I’ve hit yet another new low as I got laid off unexpectedly and in such a unjust savage way. The cruel way they treated me to make me small and singled out. It’s a different type of sly when a leader is you’re biggest hater.

Maybe I’ve just lost my edge after 18+ years of fulltime investment into my then accelerating career. Then my mental well-being just gave out. It had enough of the hustle and all the trauma unrooting the life of constant survival. The instability that came with the anxiety of abuse. Mental confusion. Being told I’m not good enough in so many ways as if that should have motivated me yet just eventually shattered me.

I lost the fighter in me. I’ve been trying to heal my brokenness for over half a decade and now these are the thoughts to myself:

People are losing respect for you.
You feel it.
So even if you hate it, you have to play again.
Jump back in.
Remind them who you are.
You’ve lived several lifetimes.
You’ve learned so many lessons.
You’ve been through SO much.
You’re continuously learning how to manage healthy mental health so you can start slowly but it’s time to push yourself again.
Bc if not now, when?

It’s time to organize, strategize, execute, and transition back to the hustle of productivity and more growth. Stop just being excessively hard on yourself.

You cannot let them see you like this.
You cannot be the ugly hopeless helpless girl.

You fought for yourself for so long, you’re tired. But buck up- it’s time.
Show up as your best because the little girl that dreamed of so much is counting on you to make it. She has so much trauma it’s really overwhelming but how lucky I used to have the means to seek help. Therapy isn’t easy or cheap and sometimes that only adds to the desperation and urgency to get back to what used to feel so clear and easy.
She worked through so much. She made moves before so we know she can. You can.

You needed the the break. You needed some instability to appreciate what you had.

You had to be humbled. You had to confess your sins. You had to learn that just because you love hard does not mean you get that same love back.

Many took advantage of your kindness so much leaving you to just feel unworthy when you needed them the most.
You cast expectations on others turning into a desperate codependent individual. You needed to break.
You are still broken but now… you have some ready tools.
You’ve grown.
You know it.

Stop the chaos of numbness and CHOOSE to do something to move FORWARD. Remember how lucky you are with still choice and opportunity to go on.

Focus on that.
Time to get that urgency back.
Bc there’s so much to do.

Everyday, something that drove the needles forward. It’s time to push again and pull out the tools you’ve gathered these last 6+ years of healing and unlearning.

Go.

You’re lucky to be here. My brother was taken too soon.

Is this how depression ends?

Idk.

The world is unkind.

Being a kind person does not mean the world will be kind back.

I’ve always believed that if you give love, you receive love. It has been a painful unveiling through countless experiences of proving the opposite of what I believed.

I’ve always been taught to be kind. Be kind and generous with others. I’ve lived my life this way for the most part. But now more than ever I know that’s its not sacrificing your own self needs just to be kind and generous.

I’m learning to walk away when situations demand more of me than fill me up. I’m learning to recognize the signs of discomfort in my spirit when it feels unbalanced or one-sided. I’m learning to move different when shown different.

Most importantly, I’m learning to stand up for myself first.

I hope you are too.

Xx

I’ve been scared to write.

I’ve had so much on my mind and yet, I feel like I’m not processing anything. I don’t think I’m accepting the reality of my life right now… have you felt this way? Where you just feel paralyzed and can’t move…not literally but mentally… you’re stuck. You are just there. Not moving, not progressing, not growing, not advancing, just there….just a warm body taking up space.

My brother went to heaven. These are some of my thoughts to him…

It’s been 2 months since you left us here broken and in disbelief. There have been over a dozen times I’ve needed to talk to you since, almost breaking my own heart every time my natural instinct tells me to “talk to K”… I feel panicked remembering you’re not there.

I find myself msging you just to keep your text thread from moving down and out of sight. Is that crazy?

You were a safe anchor to me. One of the most private people I knew but made sure I knew I was never alone because we are family. You pushed me. You taught me to toughen up. You gave me advice on any annoying thing I brought up… Never ONCE judging me or making me feel less than. But still unafraid to give me tough love. In a nice way ☺️

We understood each other. You said so all the time. Especially the last few yrs, I leaned on you and I think you also must have felt that safe to open up to me more. How could you just abandon us? I’m so mad at you. You should be here.

You did too much. Always taking care of others. You should be here. You should be enjoying and living, reaping the benefits of all your hard tireless years.

God had different plans so I have to trust His way…but it still feels awful.

I miss you.
I love you.

This hurts so much.

That last post aged well…

Well, it’s been too long since my last thoughts here and what a whirlwind it has been.
It would be no exaggeration to say that life has a funny way of surprising you.
Sometimes it feels like a cruel joke.

As the new year rolled around, I was determined to push myself forward. One day at a time. One minute at a time. Why is it that when you just have a strength to lift yourself up, life slaps you in the face.

BOOM.

My ex came back. 4 years later, the one I cried over for months. He came back. After 3 weeks, just like that he is gone again. It’s been a week since it ended abruptly and I feel like my head is still spinning.

Why did he come back to me? How could he be so reckless with me?

I honestly don’t even know how to begin to let out everything that I am feeling it’s been bottled up in me just trying to maintain my composure and because a part of me feels so stupid and so dumb that I don’t wanna cry over it no matter how deep this pain feels that I honestly don’t even have the words other than just numb but it’s been a few days now and I’m going to be OK he’s not the one and I have so much love to give and I don’t ever wanna feel like I have to be limited in showing my love or working on this relationship because I have so much work to do on myself.

For now, this is what I’ve got. xx

(I wrote this in March and even if incomplete, posting it now)

Ready or Not. Look alive.

Growth is hard because when that transformation happens for you, the people around you aren’t ready for it. They’re confused by it. They’re not used to an evolving and growing YOU. Their behavior changes because you’ve changed. That’s fair. That’s why… Growth is lonely.

But it’s a new year.

Even though absolutely nothing changes at the stroke of midnight on Jan 1, it’s just another way of accepting the opportunity to move on what is in front of you. Doing what you’ve been doing to grow until this point. How are you going to keep going?

You may be perceived as a stranger and people may begin to act suspicious but that’s fair. You’re not that “you”anymore. Does that make sense? It’s a new evolved grown you. So what’s next?

I didn’t bring in the new year feeling organized and put together. I didn’t clean out and unsubscribe all the junk mail in my inbox. I didn’t start a new diet or workout plan. I’m still sleeping in. I’m still staying awake at night anxious about the looming future.

Honestly, I even missed the countdown heating up leftover pasta. Yup. Self served margaritas all night will most definitely lead me to kitchen in front of the microwave. But now I consider it a win because what’s better than leftovers at 12am?

Anyways, it was just not the best first impression meeting the first day of the year. But who cares right?

That’s a standard and practice we have created right? There’s nothing superstitious about having a complete clean slate right on the 1st right?

I hope not. And if it is, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know, thanks.

In fact, I’m on no schedule without a job still so I can take my time right? To be thoughtful and thorough, to plan. To jump in when those moments arise in me.

All I can do is move one foot in front of the other. Because I know I will get there. I don’t know HOW but I do know I just have to move. Keep at it.

So here I am, committing tomorrow will be more productive. Just one step ahead. Then another. And another.

That’s how it works and I’ve forgotten that. I’m still not confident in myself but if not me, who else?!

I just have to remember that. Because I know I have something positive to contribute.

Maybe I’m starting to find my way home.

Obviously this is my naive hopeful self again but thats the point of everyone’s practice to “clean out before the new year” right?

To feel a little hopeful. Very cautiously and hesitantly hopeful, honestly not expecting anything but to just move. Make a wave. A small wave.

So here’s to this moment of “maybe I actually can, so I’m going to try.” No expectations, just movement in the moment. What do I have to lose?

So ready or not…. LOOK ALIVE.

The party continues whether you want it to or not!

Move.

xx