I’ve been scared to write.

I’ve had so much on my mind and yet, I feel like I’m not processing anything. I don’t think I’m accepting the reality of my life right now… have you felt this way? Where you just feel paralyzed and can’t move…not literally but mentally… you’re stuck. You are just there. Not moving, not progressing, not growing, not advancing, just there….just a warm body taking up space.

My brother went to heaven. These are some of my thoughts to him…

It’s been 2 months since you left us here broken and in disbelief. There have been over a dozen times I’ve needed to talk to you since, almost breaking my own heart every time my natural instinct tells me to “talk to K”… I feel panicked remembering you’re not there.

I find myself msging you just to keep your text thread from moving down and out of sight. Is that crazy?

You were a safe anchor to me. One of the most private people I knew but made sure I knew I was never alone because we are family. You pushed me. You taught me to toughen up. You gave me advice on any annoying thing I brought up… Never ONCE judging me or making me feel less than. But still unafraid to give me tough love. In a nice way ☺️

We understood each other. You said so all the time. Especially the last few yrs, I leaned on you and I think you also must have felt that safe to open up to me more. How could you just abandon us? I’m so mad at you. You should be here.

You did too much. Always taking care of others. You should be here. You should be enjoying and living, reaping the benefits of all your hard tireless years.

God had different plans so I have to trust His way…but it still feels awful.

I miss you.
I love you.

This hurts so much.

That last post aged well…

Well, it’s been too long since my last thoughts here and what a whirlwind it has been.
It would be no exaggeration to say that life has a funny way of surprising you.
Sometimes it feels like a cruel joke.

As the new year rolled around, I was determined to push myself forward. One day at a time. One minute at a time. Why is it that when you just have a strength to lift yourself up, life slaps you in the face.

BOOM.

My ex came back. 4 years later, the one I cried over for months. He came back. After 3 weeks, just like that he is gone again. It’s been a week since it ended abruptly and I feel like my head is still spinning.

Why did he come back to me? How could he be so reckless with me?

I honestly don’t even know how to begin to let out everything that I am feeling it’s been bottled up in me just trying to maintain my composure and because a part of me feels so stupid and so dumb that I don’t wanna cry over it no matter how deep this pain feels that I honestly don’t even have the words other than just numb but it’s been a few days now and I’m going to be OK he’s not the one and I have so much love to give and I don’t ever wanna feel like I have to be limited in showing my love or working on this relationship because I have so much work to do on myself.

For now, this is what I’ve got. xx

(I wrote this in March and even if incomplete, posting it now)

Ready or Not. Look alive.

Growth is hard because when that transformation happens for you, the people around you aren’t ready for it. They’re confused by it. They’re not used to an evolving and growing YOU. Their behavior changes because you’ve changed. That’s fair. That’s why… Growth is lonely.

But it’s a new year.

Even though absolutely nothing changes at the stroke of midnight on Jan 1, it’s just another way of accepting the opportunity to move on what is in front of you. Doing what you’ve been doing to grow until this point. How are you going to keep going?

You may be perceived as a stranger and people may begin to act suspicious but that’s fair. You’re not that “you”anymore. Does that make sense? It’s a new evolved grown you. So what’s next?

I didn’t bring in the new year feeling organized and put together. I didn’t clean out and unsubscribe all the junk mail in my inbox. I didn’t start a new diet or workout plan. I’m still sleeping in. I’m still staying awake at night anxious about the looming future.

Honestly, I even missed the countdown heating up leftover pasta. Yup. Self served margaritas all night will most definitely lead me to kitchen in front of the microwave. But now I consider it a win because what’s better than leftovers at 12am?

Anyways, it was just not the best first impression meeting the first day of the year. But who cares right?

That’s a standard and practice we have created right? There’s nothing superstitious about having a complete clean slate right on the 1st right?

I hope not. And if it is, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know, thanks.

In fact, I’m on no schedule without a job still so I can take my time right? To be thoughtful and thorough, to plan. To jump in when those moments arise in me.

All I can do is move one foot in front of the other. Because I know I will get there. I don’t know HOW but I do know I just have to move. Keep at it.

So here I am, committing tomorrow will be more productive. Just one step ahead. Then another. And another.

That’s how it works and I’ve forgotten that. I’m still not confident in myself but if not me, who else?!

I just have to remember that. Because I know I have something positive to contribute.

Maybe I’m starting to find my way home.

Obviously this is my naive hopeful self again but thats the point of everyone’s practice to “clean out before the new year” right?

To feel a little hopeful. Very cautiously and hesitantly hopeful, honestly not expecting anything but to just move. Make a wave. A small wave.

So here’s to this moment of “maybe I actually can, so I’m going to try.” No expectations, just movement in the moment. What do I have to lose?

So ready or not…. LOOK ALIVE.

The party continues whether you want it to or not!

Move.

xx

Did my therapist really just dump me?

Is this a joke?

It’s been 4.5 years and today, I said goodbye to my therapist. She has decided to pursue a different sector of therapy focused on substance abuse. She will do great things. But no warning?

I feel stunned. I feel forgotten. Like an after thought. I’m not prepared to mentally handle this. I feel a little betrayed. I feel like I just got dumped.

Almost 5 years of this painful journey working together and now I feel yet another loss.

Is this a joke?

I’ve lost everything this year. My job, a new job offer, friends, family. Will likely lose my apartment and my car soon. And now losing a therapist I could barely afford but save up for because that’s how much I need it. Seriously, is this a joke?

Loss after loss. Rejection after rejection. What gives?

I am so sick of this. I am so tired of this. I am so exhausted of feeling unworthy. I feel so infuriated with the uncontrollable, feeling slapped in the face over and over again.

Is this a joke? It’s so awful it’s comical. How on brand of 2020 right? But I can’t take any more before I just go numb. I can’t let myself go there but the hope I keep holding onto feels empty.

I’m so tired that I’m pissed at how tired I am. Does that even make sense?

xx

What’s a best friend?

As an only child, understanding relationships is hard if you don’t grow up with many.
When there is a missing sense of belonging that feeling will only grow with you.

I see why my past ways have led me here.

I wanted to feel belonged and wanted so much I became all about catering to others. It made me likeable. It made me feel secure with people who called me their “best friend”.

But when the times arise to really feel that security, often I found myself alone. I still do.
In fact, in this moment, I feel completely alone.

I just wanted someone to stand up for me. The ones that tell me they love me and here for me, where are they now?

I’m experiencing that words are all empty. As nice as they sound, words are just…words if there is no action. Real substantial action.

It seems like the ones that “love” you only seemed to love how YOU love THEM. It is not unconditional as you may perceive. They will tell you in private how much they support you but when you need someone to actually stand up for you, how ironic is it that they are no where to be found? They’ve gone radio silent. They’ve gone under the radar.

The people who “love” you tell you your expectations are too high.

I disagree.
Simple expectations of a friend is not feeling like it IS an expectation, instead out of love and care. Right?
For example, if a friend urgently needed me to pick up their child last minute, I wouldn’t think twice of doing that if I were able to in that moment. Or I would try to help with a solution since they are reaching out to me. That to me is not a high expectation to have of me, as a friend.
Maybe I’m completely wrong and seeing it all wrong.

At the end of the day, I just want to feel the love I give. But maybe my problem is I give too easy. I’m a giver by nature. So I will give, give, give yet to just be disappointed.

But through it all, I decided that instead of giving less and trying to change who I am, I need a community to be around who will stand up for me as much as I would for them. No major effort. Just a mutual respect and love of friendship.

#MySelfReminders- No more investing in performative and fake surface relationships.

xx
E

Goodbye. Be well.

A few weeks ago, I hesitantly jumped back onto dating apps…again…. why?
I don’t even know. How are people dating during a pandemic?

Anyways, I saw my ex.
The one that got away.
The one I cried over for over a year.
The one I thought I would marry.
The one I finally thought “I found it”.
The one I was scared it was “too good to be true”.

Scrolling through his profile, my heart dropped into a spiral. A panic trying to keep my composure. The chill going down my back and my body feeling warm…there he was.

Of course, in my true nature, I relived all the best memories we had and the heartbreak that attributed to my breakdown. It still weighs so heavy on me. Why can’t I just let it go?

I’m pissed at myself. Just let it go.
Why can’t I? What’s wrong with me?

In that moment, I decided that I need to let go. It was past time. I can’t keep punishing myself. I’m frustrated with myself.

Surprisingly, soon I felt a weird comfort and a heart to just thank him for all the good and let go of all my regrets. There is nothing I can do and in that moment, I felt lucky to have had that tie together.

So it is goodbye. Silly, I know. Here I am, saying goodbye AGAIN.
I have to be done once and for all. I need to open up the space in my heart again.

But this time, I wish you well.

I wish you happiness and love. I wish you find that safe place that you can let your guard down. I know will always miss you in my own way but that’s it now. I just have to let that heartbreak I’ve been so scared to let go of….

The sadness that consumed me has to go. I can’t hold onto it any longer, even if in a way, it comforted me to have those clear vivid memories of us.

#MySelfReminders- Be well, be happy, be healthy. We both deserve it.

xx
E

Be proud. You did that.

How are you doing today?

Honestly, are you taking care of your mental well being?

For me, the last few weeks have felt a deeper sobering lows. Through this year, the feeling of more and more distance with friends/family, all with dimming hope as to survive… But I know I’ve made every effort to stay positive.

This morning, something triggered me into a mix of feeling anger and motivating- frustration of being so ready for something yet no opportunities being given.

I’m mad that my career of 20 some years was stripped away in a blink, leaving me blindsided. I’m mad that a hope and promise for the future in a new career move was swiped away and shattered.
I’m mad that because I feel set up and slapped in the face that still stings.
I’m mad I don’t have have a more broad skillset to turn to in an emergency like this.

Why am I so mad?
A part of me is so deeply hurt with past work politics that brought me here but another is knowing that I survived through some of my most toughest past moments.

The weekly flights like this used to be such a grind, this feels like a lifetime ago but it’s mine. It was my hustle.

I did that.

Although right now IS my most toughest moments, I forgot to take a a minute to feel proud of myself. I’ve stood up so many times in the past, why not this time right?

Maybe I can survive this too…

Maybe I can get back to the woman who survived each chapter thus far. The woman who came out of several fires and thrived on her own. I miss her. I feel antsy to be her again.

So…REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE and WHERE YOU’VE BEEN. YOU DID THAT. No one else did it for you. Be proud of that.

#MyselfReminder- I feel hope fading away with constant doubts and fears, but practice shifting to yourself who overcame before this. Remember what you survived. So until you “re-emerge” again, hold onto that strong part of you that you KNOW you have…. be easy while you find your way back to it.

xx
E

My clothes made me cry.

I cried my eyes out cleaning out my closet today.
How insane does that sound?

I worked in the fashion industry for nearly 2 decades so naturally, I have a lot of clothes.

I needed to purge. I needed to organize and reset, get rid of stagnant pieces, ones I know I won’t wear or need again. So I cleared out the entire closet (pictured here the beginning stage of clearing it onto the floor) and started over.

Having been unemployed and with stay at home efforts, I have not dressed up in almost a year. I’ve lived in atheleisure and it’s been only about comfort. How different from just last year when I would get completely dressed, hair, makeup, heels- Monday-Friday. I dressed to inspire, just a basic part of my job to look the part.

So as I went through each single piece of mine, I was inevitably taken back to certain memories tied to the clothes. Each one tying back to a time I remember, most of the fond memories. It even actually made me miss the fashion world just a little bit even if I still feel so burnt out. I never really wanted to go back and would rather explore another industry but it’s that’s hard… it’s all I know.

It might sound hysterical, but I feel in a way that I am grieving.
I am grieving the loss of a career without another direction yet.
I am grieving my past efforts and successes as they seem to distant and far away now.

But as I slowly started to create my piles of keep, donate, in storage- I turned to gratitude. My yearning for what is missing right now diminished just a little as I started listing off the things I am thankful and the opportunities and experiences I was able to have. To travel and starting to live the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

Pandemics are humbling. This is an ongoing journey back on the path I am meant to be on.

But in this moment, I want to stay thankful for what I still have.
And maybe that’s a tiny bit of growing I’m having right now… maybe.

#MyselfReminders- Take time to grieve, reflect and to give thanks. If we can’t be grateful for what we have, how can we ask for more right? Remind me to stay in gratitude.

xx
E

You’re sooo full of it.

Full of SELF WORTH!! 😉

Confidence is the consistent commitment to yourself.
Would you agree?

Having confidence in yourself should be a “must have” rather than a “nice to have”, especially for women.

In a male dominated world along with society’s dated standards, it can be hard for women to thrive, especially in the work place. It is hard to be seen when credit is taken away from you.

It’s an interesting dynamic working for a chauvinistic male vs a hostile intimidated women, or an empowering women leader.

Throughout my career, I’ve experienced both sides. Through this experience, I’ve learned to navigate a healthy work setting for myself through the challenges. It’s taught me so much how confidence is so important in healthy relationships- professional and personal. It should be a non-negotiable. It should be instilled in us as children, to encourage confidence.

I was raised to be quiet, submissivem and to just listen. it’s taking a lot of retraining to remember “why shouldn’t I be just as confident as this other person?” We are equal right? So wjy do I feel less than? Everyone has something to offer and there should be a space for all to be seen/heard. If this isn’t the space you have with your community, look for a new space.

Confidence is actively trusting yourself and being sound in the way you approach things. I personally get lost between being confident/empowered and agreeable/polite. I’ve experience how intimidation/bullying can shatter confidence if you keep hearing you’re not good enough. When faced with hostile confrontations it’s easy to retreat and just ignore if even if you feel strongly. I get that because that’s what I find myself doing usually.

But you know what? When you feel a way and you don’t use your voice, you actually deplete any confidence you do posses.

So be confident. Be sure.

#MyselfReminder- When you’re confident you perform better. It also becomes much easier to lift up others. We all have our right to stand in our sure selves. That is NOT negotiable.

xx
E

Safety First.

Stay safe. Take care of your body’s well being and stay healthy. Keep your body safe.

This seems to sum up our 2020 right? We’ve been hearing it over and over and over again.

I have definitely been thankful for a roof over my head during this time.
I am thankful and lucky to have a safe place I call home. My sanctuary I’ve worked hard to create.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about safety, and not in a literal sense. But our safety when it comes to our hearts and souls. When times arise where you feel alone and helpless, who provides safety for you?

We feel the most inadequate when we place ourselves in unsafe places/toxic people. The places and people we choose can be a “virus” in itself… The only way to feel whole and full is to know the right things for you. Not what is expected of you.

So if your safe space begins to turn toxic and anxiety causing, as hard as it is… find a new safe space. New a safety resting place to let your guard down. Your safety first.

#MyselfReminder- Chase after those who lift you up. Lift them up even higher. Surround yourself with people who see the future with you. Stand up and protect your safe place because some don’t have the same luxury. Consider this. We all deserve safety first.

xx
E