My clothes made me cry.

I cried my eyes out cleaning out my closet today.
How insane does that sound?

I worked in the fashion industry for nearly 2 decades so naturally, I have a lot of clothes.

I needed to purge. I needed to organize and reset, get rid of stagnant pieces, ones I know I won’t wear or need again. So I cleared out the entire closet (pictured here the beginning stage of clearing it onto the floor) and started over.

Having been unemployed and with stay at home efforts, I have not dressed up in almost a year. I’ve lived in atheleisure and it’s been only about comfort. How different from just last year when I would get completely dressed, hair, makeup, heels- Monday-Friday. I dressed to inspire, just a basic part of my job to look the part.

So as I went through each single piece of mine, I was inevitably taken back to certain memories tied to the clothes. Each one tying back to a time I remember, most of the fond memories. It even actually made me miss the fashion world just a little bit even if I still feel so burnt out. I never really wanted to go back and would rather explore another industry but it’s that’s hard… it’s all I know.

It might sound hysterical, but I feel in a way that I am grieving.
I am grieving the loss of a career without another direction yet.
I am grieving my past efforts and successes as they seem to distant and far away now.

But as I slowly started to create my piles of keep, donate, in storage- I turned to gratitude. My yearning for what is missing right now diminished just a little as I started listing off the things I am thankful and the opportunities and experiences I was able to have. To travel and starting to live the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

Pandemics are humbling. This is an ongoing journey back on the path I am meant to be on.

But in this moment, I want to stay thankful for what I still have.
And maybe that’s a tiny bit of growing I’m having right now… maybe.

#MyselfReminders- Take time to grieve, reflect and to give thanks. If we can’t be grateful for what we have, how can we ask for more right? Remind me to stay in gratitude.

xx
E

You’re sooo full of it.

Full of SELF WORTH!! 😉

Confidence is the consistent commitment to yourself.
Would you agree?

Having confidence in yourself should be a “must have” rather than a “nice to have”, especially for women.

In a male dominated world along with society’s dated standards, it can be hard for women to thrive, especially in the work place. It is hard to be seen when credit is taken away from you.

It’s an interesting dynamic working for a chauvinistic male vs a hostile intimidated women, or an empowering women leader.

Throughout my career, I’ve experienced both sides. Through this experience, I’ve learned to navigate a healthy work setting for myself through the challenges. It’s taught me so much how confidence is so important in healthy relationships- professional and personal. It should be a non-negotiable. It should be instilled in us as children, to encourage confidence.

I was raised to be quiet, submissivem and to just listen. it’s taking a lot of retraining to remember “why shouldn’t I be just as confident as this other person?” We are equal right? So wjy do I feel less than? Everyone has something to offer and there should be a space for all to be seen/heard. If this isn’t the space you have with your community, look for a new space.

Confidence is actively trusting yourself and being sound in the way you approach things. I personally get lost between being confident/empowered and agreeable/polite. I’ve experience how intimidation/bullying can shatter confidence if you keep hearing you’re not good enough. When faced with hostile confrontations it’s easy to retreat and just ignore if even if you feel strongly. I get that because that’s what I find myself doing usually.

But you know what? When you feel a way and you don’t use your voice, you actually deplete any confidence you do posses.

So be confident. Be sure.

#MyselfReminder- When you’re confident you perform better. It also becomes much easier to lift up others. We all have our right to stand in our sure selves. That is NOT negotiable.

xx
E

Safety First.

Stay safe. Take care of your body’s well being and stay healthy. Keep your body safe.

This seems to sum up our 2020 right? We’ve been hearing it over and over and over again.

I have definitely been thankful for a roof over my head during this time.
I am thankful and lucky to have a safe place I call home. My sanctuary I’ve worked hard to create.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about safety, and not in a literal sense. But our safety when it comes to our hearts and souls. When times arise where you feel alone and helpless, who provides safety for you?

We feel the most inadequate when we place ourselves in unsafe places/toxic people. The places and people we choose can be a “virus” in itself… The only way to feel whole and full is to know the right things for you. Not what is expected of you.

So if your safe space begins to turn toxic and anxiety causing, as hard as it is… find a new safe space. New a safety resting place to let your guard down. Your safety first.

#MyselfReminder- Chase after those who lift you up. Lift them up even higher. Surround yourself with people who see the future with you. Stand up and protect your safe place because some don’t have the same luxury. Consider this. We all deserve safety first.

xx
E

Have a little daydream today.

I used to daydream A LOT as a little girl.

My imagination was always running- dreams of becoming this or that with endless possibilities. I would daydream about my future love and the family I would create. I seemed to always know what I wanted and my daydreams became my hope.

My daydreams sometimes kept me alive.
If I can picture it and imagine it, it’s possible.
At least that’s what I thought.

Since when did I get too busy and preoccupied to stop daydreaming? More than ever, in this moment, we all need an escape. Sometimes that’s just a sense of freedom to flourish, bloom and prosper.

Pictured above: My imaginary escape came alive as I painted this.
It always feels good to disconnect and feed your own soul.

When did you last drift off into your dream world?

#MyselfReminders- Get away for those small moments. Indulge in it. Envision all that you want and dream of. Put it out there, who knows… some things have a mysterious way of working out.

xx
E

Who did you need as a child?

When you were a child, who was your hero? Who did you have? What did you need? Who did you need that you didn’t have?

We all grow up with our first impressions from our own families or immediate caretakers. Regardless of everyone’s individual circumstances we learn what we see first. Do you agree?

Then through life’s lessons and various traumatic experiences, you realize it’s okay to evolve and be open to what you never learned or saw before.
It’s okay that you didn’t know before as long as it becomes a lesson. Make the awareness worth it to stand in your truth even if that’s not what you’re familiar with as a child.
It’s okay to draw your own ideas, desires, curiousities… and sometimes, that take conscious unlearning.

I needed a forgiving person as a child. I needed someone to see me and accept me. I strive to be that person I needed even if it’s too hard sometimes and I fail. I will try to take the next chance.

There’s a true excitement that I feel thinking I can affect the future with my own unlearning and relearning. That my future children will get the person that they need in their life.

#MyselfReminder- Be the hero you needed growing up. Not to be resentful but for awareness. Your growth matters.

xx
E

If you allow, may I suggest…

A friendly reminder…

Leave some things in the rearview mirror and step on the gas.

Keep your eye on the road and before you know it, all left behind will have faded away. What once was is no longer.

This was the view from my front seat as the CA sun went down, at first to catch the beautiful sky, but then realizing as I move forward, the more distant it becomes… and feeling peace with that.

During low moments, it’s hard not to look back to the “good days”. I’m exhausted from look back, yearning for what is no longer. Circumstances, people, memories made, successes had, if it’s no longer in my life (self willing or not), I shouldn’t give it so much space in my mind.

Yet I’ve always been a nostalgic person. Always holding memories precious to me replaying over and over again.

But the next step has to be forward.
What good is the past if you can’t learn from it and build on it, right?

#MyselfReminder- Step on the gas when it’s time to go and watch the road. Don’t look back distracting you from what’s ahead.

xx
E

Plan B.

Do you have a plan B in life? I don’t.

Some say that if you have a plan B, your plan A didn’t really matter.

But now I disagree.

Some of us have been working too much already and focused on achieving plan A, we don’t even think of what else we would do if plan A gets completely crushed and destroyed?

I’ve always envied people with a full time job and side hustles. I struggle just staying “ON” with my full time job sometimes, I don’t even have the mental capacity for a side hustle… is that an excuse? I never felt that I could ever have the ability to divide my attention. Does this mean I’ve been lazy and complacent? But then how did I burn myself out?

I don’t have the privilege of others around me with parents backing them. It’s always been me for myself.

Maybe I just don’t have the capacity to do that much anymore. There are people who wake up at 5am ready to go… I used to be one of them. But what does that even feel like anymore?

Maybe my goals were too short sighted and I underestimated the longevity of it all, just never really thought about it to be honest. Maybe I thought life would flow upward as long as I worked hard at plan A…. but now what?

#MySelfReminder- I have no idea and my intuition is telling me its okay for now to sit with it but that time is coming to expire soon. My heart is feeling so incapable and inadequate but this is where I have to move onto my plan B, whatever that is. Now if only someone would take a chance on me…

xx
E

Sharing gifts.

We all have gifts.
We all posses a uniqueness that no one could ever take away.

What’s yours?
How do you share it? How do you spend it on others?

The gift of listening. The gift of making others feel seen. The gift of mindfulness and thoughtful gestures. The gift of being an educator. The gift of a heart of passion and activism. The gift of wisdom. The gift of entertaining others to laugh. The gift of maternal instincts. The gift of leadership. The gift of a giving heart.

I can go on, but you get my points right?
The gifts are endless and we each have at least one…and your piece is needed.
Humanity needs it all.

Some gifts are not just innate traits, some are groomed and trained through consistent behaviors. A passion that fuels the work of doing.

We are always growing and evolving. As long as that’s what you want.
It’s sometimes a choice. Sometimes it’s just natural.

But sometimes it’s just impossible. Sometimes you have to be selfish and recharge before sharing your gifts. But don’t let yourself be stuck in the selfish mode.
Remember others, consider your neighbors with empathy. Reach out and relate to another. Spread kindness as one of your gifts- this one is completely a choice.

May we all continue to recognize our gifts and share it out to uplift one another.

#MySelfReminder- Discover and identify your gift. Use it wisely and continuously. Spread the goodness of your gift. No one can take it away.

xx
E

How Many?

183.

That’s the number of job applications I’ve sent in this year starting January pre-pandemic. That was already hard. And then a new offer that fell through abruptly because of the pandemic.

It’s hard not to feel discouraged. Worthless.

Is this happening because I’ve never had this challenge before? For nearly 20 years, I was recruited for every job. I realize how lucky that is.

But is that why I’m just having no luck? Because it can’t always be good?

My career is the only thing that has been stable in my life. Through heartbreaks, disappointments, all the other personal failures…. my career always carried me. I worked hard.
I channeled everything I had into my work. If I was going to end up a single spinster, at least I would be thriving in my career. Until it burned me out.

Now look at me. I find myself sitting here just defeated, almost laughing at the unbelievable current situation…

How many more “thanks but no thanks” emails can a girl handle?
I’m running out of time.

These are the loneliest type of days.

#Myself Reminder: Push yourself because no one else can/will. You have no one else so it’s make it or break it.

xx
E

It just is.

Do you ever just find yourself holding back tears some days?
Do you ever feel deflated but trying to stay strong and hopeful to others?
Do you ever wish you were on someone’s list of priorities?

I didn’t wake up sad but as the day has gone on, I feel an emphasis on my aloneness.
My heart just feels heavy. I cheer others on, root for them, celebrate with them, lift them up… sometimes I feel like I was placed on this Earth just to lift others up. When that sense is so rooted in you, you end up self sabotaging yourself. Sadly, being vulnerable and honest to empathize with others doesn’t seem the right way to go. This world is cold and harsh.

I got good news last week and in that moment, I felt a deep pain that for one of the first times in my life, I had no one to call. That moment I will never forget. The emptiness. Feeling forgotten.

To be fair, I have often isolated myself because sometimes it’s easier that way. I’m sure people are just over it because somehow, it becomes about them. A polite no taken personally. But sometimes, that’s the only way I feel less alone… if that makes sense. To see people around me making life changes, creating families, etc etc, I am truly happy for them but I also now just feel sad it’s never been that easy for me. I feel left behind and unable to catch up. I find myself being unable to relate. Sometimes, I can’t relate so much because that life of privilege isn’t actually that familiar. I just grew up surrounded by it.

It’s easy to just ask WHY and how come not one thing comes easy for me? But then I’d be wallowing in self pity… but I don’t know where to go from here.

My heart feels rushed. My body feels a sense of urgency to fix. Resolve. I’ve always been that way. So maybe right now I need to be still. Maybe right now is exactly where I’m supposed to be…. I just wish I actually felt that peace.

Some days I do feel that peace… or maybe I just feel numb.
But days like today I just feel like I’m dodging bullets.

Today I just feel sad. And that’s it.
I’m not going to try to figure it out.

I will be just be still today.

xx
E