I lost the fighter in me.

When does depression end?

You know how you hear some people say, “I struggled with depression for 2 years and I’m so much better now!”

I want to know. When does that happen?

When do the cycles of LOW end?

It’s been about 4 weeks since I’ve hit yet another new low as I got laid off unexpectedly and in such a unjust savage way. The cruel way they treated me to make me small and singled out. It’s a different type of sly when a leader is you’re biggest hater.

Maybe I’ve just lost my edge after 18+ years of fulltime investment into my then accelerating career. Then my mental well-being just gave out. It had enough of the hustle and all the trauma unrooting the life of constant survival. The instability that came with the anxiety of abuse. Mental confusion. Being told I’m not good enough in so many ways as if that should have motivated me yet just eventually shattered me.

I lost the fighter in me. I’ve been trying to heal my brokenness for over half a decade and now these are the thoughts to myself:

People are losing respect for you.
You feel it.
So even if you hate it, you have to play again.
Jump back in.
Remind them who you are.
You’ve lived several lifetimes.
You’ve learned so many lessons.
You’ve been through SO much.
You’re continuously learning how to manage healthy mental health so you can start slowly but it’s time to push yourself again.
Bc if not now, when?

It’s time to organize, strategize, execute, and transition back to the hustle of productivity and more growth. Stop just being excessively hard on yourself.

You cannot let them see you like this.
You cannot be the ugly hopeless helpless girl.

You fought for yourself for so long, you’re tired. But buck up- it’s time.
Show up as your best because the little girl that dreamed of so much is counting on you to make it. She has so much trauma it’s really overwhelming but how lucky I used to have the means to seek help. Therapy isn’t easy or cheap and sometimes that only adds to the desperation and urgency to get back to what used to feel so clear and easy.
She worked through so much. She made moves before so we know she can. You can.

You needed the the break. You needed some instability to appreciate what you had.

You had to be humbled. You had to confess your sins. You had to learn that just because you love hard does not mean you get that same love back.

Many took advantage of your kindness so much leaving you to just feel unworthy when you needed them the most.
You cast expectations on others turning into a desperate codependent individual. You needed to break.
You are still broken but now… you have some ready tools.
You’ve grown.
You know it.

Stop the chaos of numbness and CHOOSE to do something to move FORWARD. Remember how lucky you are with still choice and opportunity to go on.

Focus on that.
Time to get that urgency back.
Bc there’s so much to do.

Everyday, something that drove the needles forward. It’s time to push again and pull out the tools you’ve gathered these last 6+ years of healing and unlearning.

Go.

You’re lucky to be here. My brother was taken too soon.

Is this how depression ends?

Idk.

The world is unkind.

Being a kind person does not mean the world will be kind back.

I’ve always believed that if you give love, you receive love. It has been a painful unveiling through countless experiences of proving the opposite of what I believed.

I’ve always been taught to be kind. Be kind and generous with others. I’ve lived my life this way for the most part. But now more than ever I know that’s its not sacrificing your own self needs just to be kind and generous.

I’m learning to walk away when situations demand more of me than fill me up. I’m learning to recognize the signs of discomfort in my spirit when it feels unbalanced or one-sided. I’m learning to move different when shown different.

Most importantly, I’m learning to stand up for myself first.

I hope you are too.

Xx

I’ve been scared to write.

I’ve had so much on my mind and yet, I feel like I’m not processing anything. I don’t think I’m accepting the reality of my life right now… have you felt this way? Where you just feel paralyzed and can’t move…not literally but mentally… you’re stuck. You are just there. Not moving, not progressing, not growing, not advancing, just there….just a warm body taking up space.

My brother went to heaven. These are some of my thoughts to him…

It’s been 2 months since you left us here broken and in disbelief. There have been over a dozen times I’ve needed to talk to you since, almost breaking my own heart every time my natural instinct tells me to “talk to K”… I feel panicked remembering you’re not there.

I find myself msging you just to keep your text thread from moving down and out of sight. Is that crazy?

You were a safe anchor to me. One of the most private people I knew but made sure I knew I was never alone because we are family. You pushed me. You taught me to toughen up. You gave me advice on any annoying thing I brought up… Never ONCE judging me or making me feel less than. But still unafraid to give me tough love. In a nice way ☺️

We understood each other. You said so all the time. Especially the last few yrs, I leaned on you and I think you also must have felt that safe to open up to me more. How could you just abandon us? I’m so mad at you. You should be here.

You did too much. Always taking care of others. You should be here. You should be enjoying and living, reaping the benefits of all your hard tireless years.

God had different plans so I have to trust His way…but it still feels awful.

I miss you.
I love you.

This hurts so much.

That last post aged well…

Well, it’s been too long since my last thoughts here and what a whirlwind it has been.
It would be no exaggeration to say that life has a funny way of surprising you.
Sometimes it feels like a cruel joke.

As the new year rolled around, I was determined to push myself forward. One day at a time. One minute at a time. Why is it that when you just have a strength to lift yourself up, life slaps you in the face.

BOOM.

My ex came back. 4 years later, the one I cried over for months. He came back. After 3 weeks, just like that he is gone again. It’s been a week since it ended abruptly and I feel like my head is still spinning.

Why did he come back to me? How could he be so reckless with me?

I honestly don’t even know how to begin to let out everything that I am feeling it’s been bottled up in me just trying to maintain my composure and because a part of me feels so stupid and so dumb that I don’t wanna cry over it no matter how deep this pain feels that I honestly don’t even have the words other than just numb but it’s been a few days now and I’m going to be OK he’s not the one and I have so much love to give and I don’t ever wanna feel like I have to be limited in showing my love or working on this relationship because I have so much work to do on myself.

For now, this is what I’ve got. xx

(I wrote this in March and even if incomplete, posting it now)

Ready or Not. Look alive.

Growth is hard because when that transformation happens for you, the people around you aren’t ready for it. They’re confused by it. They’re not used to an evolving and growing YOU. Their behavior changes because you’ve changed. That’s fair. That’s why… Growth is lonely.

But it’s a new year.

Even though absolutely nothing changes at the stroke of midnight on Jan 1, it’s just another way of accepting the opportunity to move on what is in front of you. Doing what you’ve been doing to grow until this point. How are you going to keep going?

You may be perceived as a stranger and people may begin to act suspicious but that’s fair. You’re not that “you”anymore. Does that make sense? It’s a new evolved grown you. So what’s next?

I didn’t bring in the new year feeling organized and put together. I didn’t clean out and unsubscribe all the junk mail in my inbox. I didn’t start a new diet or workout plan. I’m still sleeping in. I’m still staying awake at night anxious about the looming future.

Honestly, I even missed the countdown heating up leftover pasta. Yup. Self served margaritas all night will most definitely lead me to kitchen in front of the microwave. But now I consider it a win because what’s better than leftovers at 12am?

Anyways, it was just not the best first impression meeting the first day of the year. But who cares right?

That’s a standard and practice we have created right? There’s nothing superstitious about having a complete clean slate right on the 1st right?

I hope not. And if it is, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know, thanks.

In fact, I’m on no schedule without a job still so I can take my time right? To be thoughtful and thorough, to plan. To jump in when those moments arise in me.

All I can do is move one foot in front of the other. Because I know I will get there. I don’t know HOW but I do know I just have to move. Keep at it.

So here I am, committing tomorrow will be more productive. Just one step ahead. Then another. And another.

That’s how it works and I’ve forgotten that. I’m still not confident in myself but if not me, who else?!

I just have to remember that. Because I know I have something positive to contribute.

Maybe I’m starting to find my way home.

Obviously this is my naive hopeful self again but thats the point of everyone’s practice to “clean out before the new year” right?

To feel a little hopeful. Very cautiously and hesitantly hopeful, honestly not expecting anything but to just move. Make a wave. A small wave.

So here’s to this moment of “maybe I actually can, so I’m going to try.” No expectations, just movement in the moment. What do I have to lose?

So ready or not…. LOOK ALIVE.

The party continues whether you want it to or not!

Move.

xx

Did my therapist really just dump me?

Is this a joke?

It’s been 4.5 years and today, I said goodbye to my therapist. She has decided to pursue a different sector of therapy focused on substance abuse. She will do great things. But no warning?

I feel stunned. I feel forgotten. Like an after thought. I’m not prepared to mentally handle this. I feel a little betrayed. I feel like I just got dumped.

Almost 5 years of this painful journey working together and now I feel yet another loss.

Is this a joke?

I’ve lost everything this year. My job, a new job offer, friends, family. Will likely lose my apartment and my car soon. And now losing a therapist I could barely afford but save up for because that’s how much I need it. Seriously, is this a joke?

Loss after loss. Rejection after rejection. What gives?

I am so sick of this. I am so tired of this. I am so exhausted of feeling unworthy. I feel so infuriated with the uncontrollable, feeling slapped in the face over and over again.

Is this a joke? It’s so awful it’s comical. How on brand of 2020 right? But I can’t take any more before I just go numb. I can’t let myself go there but the hope I keep holding onto feels empty.

I’m so tired that I’m pissed at how tired I am. Does that even make sense?

xx

What’s a best friend?

As an only child, understanding relationships is hard if you don’t grow up with many.
When there is a missing sense of belonging that feeling will only grow with you.

I see why my past ways have led me here.

I wanted to feel belonged and wanted so much I became all about catering to others. It made me likeable. It made me feel secure with people who called me their “best friend”.

But when the times arise to really feel that security, often I found myself alone. I still do.
In fact, in this moment, I feel completely alone.

I just wanted someone to stand up for me. The ones that tell me they love me and here for me, where are they now?

I’m experiencing that words are all empty. As nice as they sound, words are just…words if there is no action. Real substantial action.

It seems like the ones that “love” you only seemed to love how YOU love THEM. It is not unconditional as you may perceive. They will tell you in private how much they support you but when you need someone to actually stand up for you, how ironic is it that they are no where to be found? They’ve gone radio silent. They’ve gone under the radar.

The people who “love” you tell you your expectations are too high.

I disagree.
Simple expectations of a friend is not feeling like it IS an expectation, instead out of love and care. Right?
For example, if a friend urgently needed me to pick up their child last minute, I wouldn’t think twice of doing that if I were able to in that moment. Or I would try to help with a solution since they are reaching out to me. That to me is not a high expectation to have of me, as a friend.
Maybe I’m completely wrong and seeing it all wrong.

At the end of the day, I just want to feel the love I give. But maybe my problem is I give too easy. I’m a giver by nature. So I will give, give, give yet to just be disappointed.

But through it all, I decided that instead of giving less and trying to change who I am, I need a community to be around who will stand up for me as much as I would for them. No major effort. Just a mutual respect and love of friendship.

#MySelfReminders- No more investing in performative and fake surface relationships.

xx
E

Goodbye. Be well.

A few weeks ago, I hesitantly jumped back onto dating apps…again…. why?
I don’t even know. How are people dating during a pandemic?

Anyways, I saw my ex.
The one that got away.
The one I cried over for over a year.
The one I thought I would marry.
The one I finally thought “I found it”.
The one I was scared it was “too good to be true”.

Scrolling through his profile, my heart dropped into a spiral. A panic trying to keep my composure. The chill going down my back and my body feeling warm…there he was.

Of course, in my true nature, I relived all the best memories we had and the heartbreak that attributed to my breakdown. It still weighs so heavy on me. Why can’t I just let it go?

I’m pissed at myself. Just let it go.
Why can’t I? What’s wrong with me?

In that moment, I decided that I need to let go. It was past time. I can’t keep punishing myself. I’m frustrated with myself.

Surprisingly, soon I felt a weird comfort and a heart to just thank him for all the good and let go of all my regrets. There is nothing I can do and in that moment, I felt lucky to have had that tie together.

So it is goodbye. Silly, I know. Here I am, saying goodbye AGAIN.
I have to be done once and for all. I need to open up the space in my heart again.

But this time, I wish you well.

I wish you happiness and love. I wish you find that safe place that you can let your guard down. I know will always miss you in my own way but that’s it now. I just have to let that heartbreak I’ve been so scared to let go of….

The sadness that consumed me has to go. I can’t hold onto it any longer, even if in a way, it comforted me to have those clear vivid memories of us.

#MySelfReminders- Be well, be happy, be healthy. We both deserve it.

xx
E

Be proud. You did that.

How are you doing today?

Honestly, are you taking care of your mental well being?

For me, the last few weeks have felt a deeper sobering lows. Through this year, the feeling of more and more distance with friends/family, all with dimming hope as to survive… But I know I’ve made every effort to stay positive.

This morning, something triggered me into a mix of feeling anger and motivating- frustration of being so ready for something yet no opportunities being given.

I’m mad that my career of 20 some years was stripped away in a blink, leaving me blindsided. I’m mad that a hope and promise for the future in a new career move was swiped away and shattered.
I’m mad that because I feel set up and slapped in the face that still stings.
I’m mad I don’t have have a more broad skillset to turn to in an emergency like this.

Why am I so mad?
A part of me is so deeply hurt with past work politics that brought me here but another is knowing that I survived through some of my most toughest past moments.

The weekly flights like this used to be such a grind, this feels like a lifetime ago but it’s mine. It was my hustle.

I did that.

Although right now IS my most toughest moments, I forgot to take a a minute to feel proud of myself. I’ve stood up so many times in the past, why not this time right?

Maybe I can survive this too…

Maybe I can get back to the woman who survived each chapter thus far. The woman who came out of several fires and thrived on her own. I miss her. I feel antsy to be her again.

So…REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE and WHERE YOU’VE BEEN. YOU DID THAT. No one else did it for you. Be proud of that.

#MyselfReminder- I feel hope fading away with constant doubts and fears, but practice shifting to yourself who overcame before this. Remember what you survived. So until you “re-emerge” again, hold onto that strong part of you that you KNOW you have…. be easy while you find your way back to it.

xx
E

My clothes made me cry.

I cried my eyes out cleaning out my closet today.
How insane does that sound?

I worked in the fashion industry for nearly 2 decades so naturally, I have a lot of clothes.

I needed to purge. I needed to organize and reset, get rid of stagnant pieces, ones I know I won’t wear or need again. So I cleared out the entire closet (pictured here the beginning stage of clearing it onto the floor) and started over.

Having been unemployed and with stay at home efforts, I have not dressed up in almost a year. I’ve lived in atheleisure and it’s been only about comfort. How different from just last year when I would get completely dressed, hair, makeup, heels- Monday-Friday. I dressed to inspire, just a basic part of my job to look the part.

So as I went through each single piece of mine, I was inevitably taken back to certain memories tied to the clothes. Each one tying back to a time I remember, most of the fond memories. It even actually made me miss the fashion world just a little bit even if I still feel so burnt out. I never really wanted to go back and would rather explore another industry but it’s that’s hard… it’s all I know.

It might sound hysterical, but I feel in a way that I am grieving.
I am grieving the loss of a career without another direction yet.
I am grieving my past efforts and successes as they seem to distant and far away now.

But as I slowly started to create my piles of keep, donate, in storage- I turned to gratitude. My yearning for what is missing right now diminished just a little as I started listing off the things I am thankful and the opportunities and experiences I was able to have. To travel and starting to live the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

Pandemics are humbling. This is an ongoing journey back on the path I am meant to be on.

But in this moment, I want to stay thankful for what I still have.
And maybe that’s a tiny bit of growing I’m having right now… maybe.

#MyselfReminders- Take time to grieve, reflect and to give thanks. If we can’t be grateful for what we have, how can we ask for more right? Remind me to stay in gratitude.

xx
E