My word for 2023: Abundance

I’ve never chosen a word for a new year. It’s trending… you can even customize a word of the year bracelet. Haha. But this felt like a personaI challenge… something I wouldn’t share, like this exact blog. So I think I can share it here… but I had to think about it for a bit until it hit me.

ABUNDANCE.

An abundance of love, joy, wealth, health, and security.

I’ve been in a cloud of my depression, heartbreak and trauma and through working through it piece by piece, my mindset has been about SURVIVAL. It’s almost as if I blinked and it’s been almost 8 years of this hell cloud. But also on the contrary, an awakening to naming my trauma and issues to heal myself. Just like that, almost a decade and still not close. A painful development of awareness that has changed my perspective forever. Is that even normal? For it to be this hard?

Most my childhood friends have gone on to get married, and most are up to their 2nd child already… yet me, here I am, still trying to find some minimal stability in my life.

I’m tired of being in scarcity mode. I’m tired of only surviving. I miss thriving in living life. Feeling secure and confident. I miss DREAMING. I miss getting excited and looking forward to something, someone.

I’m scared but maybe me missing some of this is a part of me finding my way back to go on with a stronger heart, with a clearer lens, and renewed will?

Maybe this is just a high I’m on because I picked my word of the year so I’m pumped about it now… let’s see in a few months?

Hopefully I can look back on this post and remember this slight flighty fleeting feeling of renewed sense of “LFG” if I start fading away again.

I’m merely surviving right now but I KNOW I’m meant for greater. I BELIEVE my struggles are taking me somewhere. And there WILL BE an ABUNDANCE of love, peace, wealth and security.

I know I will fall again, and again. And I will always be working through it until I breathe my last breath. But my hope is I won’t give up.

What’s your word?

Life: A Balancing Act

There is a duality in life that I realize I bounce back and forth from a lot- a fine line of being extroverted enough to survive and get work done and becoming more and more introverted as the time goes by.

It’s like putting on a show.

Actors do it all the time and I realize how exhausting that can become when you play too many roles at once.

It’s a balancing act, really.

An act of pouring out your true self and restraining yourself from pouring too much to protect yourself.

Performing is exhausting.

They want the old me

It’s painful to think how isolating I’ve become. It’s unbearable to realize just how much I’ve come to dread doing life.

It’s painful to know I’ve distanced myself from others for a vast array of reasons- mainly to feel some sort of “clean slate” in my muddy mind of all the chaotic thoughts that live through my being- so much so that my nervous system is shot. I don’t know how to deal with stress. My body reacts- I get nauseous as situations arise that I know are not meant for me. I’ve become mush. A shell of a person who has become so fragile and allergic to toxicity. Yet, in this life, that’s mainly what life is- trying to heal from toxins in this world.

We see people detoxing their physical minds and body, it’s become trending.

The work of true “detoxing” when healing from trauma is so so deep. It’s digging and unraveling the deeply rooted trauma that is literally PART of you, embedded into your being.

Your nervous system feels it all.

It’s actually painful and like any other recovery, it is difficult to work through the pain when you have no more capacity to take on any more. It’s this feeling of feeling planted and glued down, almost like stuck in quicksand- the amount of EFFORT it takes to take ONE step and continue to go on past even FIVE steps can feel COMPLETELY DEPLETING for many.

So you shut off. In hopes that you will “recharge” but you realize you stopped feeling CHARGED years ago.

Many people do not recognize this. Nor do they want to understand the complexity because either they themselves literally don’t have the depth to understand and empathize why you are different OR they would rather gaslight you into thinking you’re “just weak” and need to toughen up. They put their expectation on you to have the “old you” back.

Let me tell you, this type of reaction from the people around you who are supposed to be the ones that you can “lean on” are the exact situations that make doing the healing work that much harder. If it were just that easy to go back to my “old self” and then I get angry because regardless of the work I have to do, I’m still growing.

So you can’t have the old me back. Even if it is more convenient to you to have the old me back. The old me who was suffering so much inside that now look at where I am.
You want that old me back?

Unless you’re bleeding from the head, often times, it’s that much harder to receive any grace.

So you shut off.

You isolate. You’d rather not try to explain. You’d rather save that little energy you do have to go towards something productive and healing for yourself.

So you shut off to protect your peace. You isolate because no amount of words will make you feel truly seen and understood. And even if you are ever understood… then what? Doesn’t even matter because you’re a burden with your “extra” mental stuff… right?

So you shut off.

You shut off and tell yourself it’s better to be alone. It’s better to not have to explain your shortcoming. It’s better to not rile up my nervous system and spiral into a panic attack.

It’s just better to shut off.

Yet some people will read this and still think “No, you should do it this way… you shouldn’t be alone…. You should you should you should….”

My existence is an act of resistance.

At some point, I began to dread everything.

At some point, everything became inconvenient.

At some point, the fire went out and yet it’s like being outside my body watching me keep fanning at it.

At some point, I began to resist everything in order to maintain my peace.

At some point, my walls went up so high I can’t even bear to begin bringing them down.

At what point do I stop resisting?

Just my being, in my body, in my mind, it’s like I am resisting it all.

So naturally, the most easy things are dreaded and being put off.

I can’t bear to deal with the dread.

It’s hard to keep pushing through.

But the alternative? To lose? To give up? To surrender? To give in to the dread and just let it be? It’s all too overwhelming. For what? I don’t even know. I just FEEL it with every fiber of my being.

This is what I hate, living and dreading my existence.

Yet even a flicker or a mili second glimpse of hope what people hold on for?

For the belief that you’re lowest is what becomes your purpose of being?

“She’s too much”

I won’t apologize for my childhood traumas.
I won’t apologize for the healing I have to do.
I won’t apologize for needing more because I never had it before.

I won’t apologize for being in the process of my healing journey.
I won’t apologize for digging deep and uprooting my damaged self, even if that
makes you feel like “I’m doing too much”
(Trust me, it’s too much for me too)

I just won’t apologize for the pain I’m working through.
I’m done feeling like I need to make up for my “shortcomings”
certainly won’t apologize for the brokenness experience.

What I WILL apologize for is for deflecting my unhealed trauma unto others.
I WILL apologize for my short sightedness hurts another.
I WILL be accountable for hurting another.
Butlet’s be kind because EVERYONE has brokenness whether they want to
confront it or not.
I will always give my respect to those who work on themselves before casting
judgement onto others.
Be a perfect whole soul before you dismiss/judge someone else.
Be humble.

Hopeless Hope

A few days ago I had a thought…

Just how important having HOPE has been for my survival in this world.

In this moment in time, I find myself asking “how much hope leads to hopelessness?

Too much hope makes you hopeless which in turn makes you naive and blindly optimistic.

So my perspective of having hope seems to be changing to it being a type of downfall. A belief that something will get better.

The dictionary definition HOPE means:

1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen

2. a feeling of trust

So when and how do you find the limitations of hope?

I guess that’s it for now…

xx

My heart hurts.

The type of deep pain that literally feels heavy inside. Like my insides feel the trauma.

The confusion and helplessness amidst trying to keep the fire alive to fight to survive.

The type of deep pain that shakes you to your core. Disrupting anything starting to feel more whole.

The reality of being completely broken yet still here living.

The suffering between contradicting pulls to heal yet exhausted to try.

The type of deep loneliness that you can just feel like a lump in your throat trying to hold back tears.

The overwhelming damage and the challenge to stitch myself back up only to wonder “what’s the point?”

The unwillingness to give up yet feeling weighed down and unable.

I don’t even feel unworthy anymore.

I just feel over it.

These triggering moments are the hardest.

The conscious awareness of the trigger and pushing through those moments of an anxiety attack.

The self soothing work. Being kind to myself instead of punishing myself for being triggered.

This is excruciating.

Love curse.

I love so easily. So deeply. So willingly.

It’s a curse.

I never knew I was supposed to guard my heart in so many ways. It sounds so naive, I know. Honestly it’s so sad they didn’t ever really love you but they loved the way you loved them.

My heart feels achy thinking about how foolish I am. The way I’m built. My natural instinct is to love.

I love to love and break my own heart.

Pathetic.

Xx

I lost the fighter in me.

When does depression end?

You know how you hear some people say, “I struggled with depression for 2 years and I’m so much better now!”

I want to know. When does that happen?

When do the cycles of LOW end?

It’s been about 4 weeks since I’ve hit yet another new low as I got laid off unexpectedly and in such a unjust savage way. The cruel way they treated me to make me small and singled out. It’s a different type of sly when a leader is you’re biggest hater.

Maybe I’ve just lost my edge after 18+ years of fulltime investment into my then accelerating career. Then my mental well-being just gave out. It had enough of the hustle and all the trauma unrooting the life of constant survival. The instability that came with the anxiety of abuse. Mental confusion. Being told I’m not good enough in so many ways as if that should have motivated me yet just eventually shattered me.

I lost the fighter in me. I’ve been trying to heal my brokenness for over half a decade and now these are the thoughts to myself:

People are losing respect for you.
You feel it.
So even if you hate it, you have to play again.
Jump back in.
Remind them who you are.
You’ve lived several lifetimes.
You’ve learned so many lessons.
You’ve been through SO much.
You’re continuously learning how to manage healthy mental health so you can start slowly but it’s time to push yourself again.
Bc if not now, when?

It’s time to organize, strategize, execute, and transition back to the hustle of productivity and more growth. Stop just being excessively hard on yourself.

You cannot let them see you like this.
You cannot be the ugly hopeless helpless girl.

You fought for yourself for so long, you’re tired. But buck up- it’s time.
Show up as your best because the little girl that dreamed of so much is counting on you to make it. She has so much trauma it’s really overwhelming but how lucky I used to have the means to seek help. Therapy isn’t easy or cheap and sometimes that only adds to the desperation and urgency to get back to what used to feel so clear and easy.
She worked through so much. She made moves before so we know she can. You can.

You needed the the break. You needed some instability to appreciate what you had.

You had to be humbled. You had to confess your sins. You had to learn that just because you love hard does not mean you get that same love back.

Many took advantage of your kindness so much leaving you to just feel unworthy when you needed them the most.
You cast expectations on others turning into a desperate codependent individual. You needed to break.
You are still broken but now… you have some ready tools.
You’ve grown.
You know it.

Stop the chaos of numbness and CHOOSE to do something to move FORWARD. Remember how lucky you are with still choice and opportunity to go on.

Focus on that.
Time to get that urgency back.
Bc there’s so much to do.

Everyday, something that drove the needles forward. It’s time to push again and pull out the tools you’ve gathered these last 6+ years of healing and unlearning.

Go.

You’re lucky to be here. My brother was taken too soon.

Is this how depression ends?

Idk.

The world is unkind.

Being a kind person does not mean the world will be kind back.

I’ve always believed that if you give love, you receive love. It has been a painful unveiling through countless experiences of proving the opposite of what I believed.

I’ve always been taught to be kind. Be kind and generous with others. I’ve lived my life this way for the most part. But now more than ever I know that’s its not sacrificing your own self needs just to be kind and generous.

I’m learning to walk away when situations demand more of me than fill me up. I’m learning to recognize the signs of discomfort in my spirit when it feels unbalanced or one-sided. I’m learning to move different when shown different.

Most importantly, I’m learning to stand up for myself first.

I hope you are too.

Xx