Am I mute?

Lately, more so now than ever, I feel like I am screaming sometimes and no one even notices. Why is it so hard to have a voice as a woman amongst majority of men?

It’s incredible how you can be the only woman in a conversation amongst men as they argue what is and is not appropriate language used on women.

Am I literally crazy and not know I’m mute?

That’s an actual thought I had earlier today in a work meeting.

And then to address any misogyny afterwards just to be gaslit- being told you’re hurtful for misunderstanding their humor.

Read that again.

I am being hurtful because I cannot take a joke based on misogyny and chauvinism.

Isn’t that incredible.

Basically it’s-

“STAY QUIET and be ignored because we’ll just drown you out before you hold us accountable and work on our fragile male egos.“

Sigh. What a tiring life.

Am I the problem?

Be nice. What does that even mean?

We have chaos all around us. Each of us have a battle that no one else knows about. So be kind. But some aren’t. And when we keep getting disrespected, how do you keep being nice?

Doesn’t that make you a fool?

So then do you become the person you don’t like and not be nice?

Well, I don’t know… it feels unfair just by being.

Lately I’ve been thinking about this concept of “being nice” and realize this idea of being a nice person is really about pleasing others. It is not really about you but for them. To put them at ease. To make sure they feel good. Even if they exhibit bad behavior. Because who are you to judge right?

But is that always productive and healthy? Or does this create an illusion of everything being “nice” while avoiding the dark parts of life? Does this become a clutch and enablement?

I think when you’re on the other side being oppressed, you’re usually in that position because you feel the obligation to be submissive. For example, my childhood was all about just being a good girl, no noise or trouble. Having this type of expectation leaves you just giving in, and submitting to the idea that they somehow get the last say. So this becomes the norm. This becomes the arrangement between you and others. When you’ve gone too deep, it’s easy to develop resentment.

So what happens when you finally realize you’ve had enough? You’ve been nice for too long.

Being nice has not gotten you anything other than getting stepped on and taken advantage of. So why? As much as you are nice to others, it doesn’t security respect. It doesn’t guarantee loyalty. It doesn’t put you as a priority. Hell, it doesn’t do anything other than enabling bad behavior.

So how do you break this cycle? How do you stop being so willingly nice? I frustrate myself with this because I want to be more “hard”. I don’t want to be taken advantage of.
I have a voice and want to be heard.

Ironically, when this happens, you realize it’s the loneliest. Not everyone will root for you to be loud. Not everyone will be happy when you find your voice to speak up, Then somehow, through your struggle to improve yourself, become stronger… somehow that becomes vile. That becomes arrogant. That becomes unlikable.

Well, those are not your people. Don’t stop until you find the ones who clap for you and lift you up behind your back.

#MySelfReminder: Don’t just stop at “being nice”. Do better, be better, don’t be afraid to use your voice for the things that are important to you. Even if this means you no longer seem “nice”, I believe it is a way more meaningful way of life.

xx
E