My word for 2023: Abundance

I’ve never chosen a word for a new year. It’s trending… you can even customize a word of the year bracelet. Haha. But this felt like a personaI challenge… something I wouldn’t share, like this exact blog. So I think I can share it here… but I had to think about it for a bit until it hit me.

ABUNDANCE.

An abundance of love, joy, wealth, health, and security.

I’ve been in a cloud of my depression, heartbreak and trauma and through working through it piece by piece, my mindset has been about SURVIVAL. It’s almost as if I blinked and it’s been almost 8 years of this hell cloud. But also on the contrary, an awakening to naming my trauma and issues to heal myself. Just like that, almost a decade and still not close. A painful development of awareness that has changed my perspective forever. Is that even normal? For it to be this hard?

Most my childhood friends have gone on to get married, and most are up to their 2nd child already… yet me, here I am, still trying to find some minimal stability in my life.

I’m tired of being in scarcity mode. I’m tired of only surviving. I miss thriving in living life. Feeling secure and confident. I miss DREAMING. I miss getting excited and looking forward to something, someone.

I’m scared but maybe me missing some of this is a part of me finding my way back to go on with a stronger heart, with a clearer lens, and renewed will?

Maybe this is just a high I’m on because I picked my word of the year so I’m pumped about it now… let’s see in a few months?

Hopefully I can look back on this post and remember this slight flighty fleeting feeling of renewed sense of “LFG” if I start fading away again.

I’m merely surviving right now but I KNOW I’m meant for greater. I BELIEVE my struggles are taking me somewhere. And there WILL BE an ABUNDANCE of love, peace, wealth and security.

I know I will fall again, and again. And I will always be working through it until I breathe my last breath. But my hope is I won’t give up.

What’s your word?

My existence is an act of resistance.

At some point, I began to dread everything.

At some point, everything became inconvenient.

At some point, the fire went out and yet it’s like being outside my body watching me keep fanning at it.

At some point, I began to resist everything in order to maintain my peace.

At some point, my walls went up so high I can’t even bear to begin bringing them down.

At what point do I stop resisting?

Just my being, in my body, in my mind, it’s like I am resisting it all.

So naturally, the most easy things are dreaded and being put off.

I can’t bear to deal with the dread.

It’s hard to keep pushing through.

But the alternative? To lose? To give up? To surrender? To give in to the dread and just let it be? It’s all too overwhelming. For what? I don’t even know. I just FEEL it with every fiber of my being.

This is what I hate, living and dreading my existence.

Yet even a flicker or a mili second glimpse of hope what people hold on for?

For the belief that you’re lowest is what becomes your purpose of being?

Give me a break.

Social media is just a crazy concept when I think back to growing up without it. My generation was introduced to this way of life and we have seen this evolve from the very beginning. The Internet. Technology is improving everyday.

Cell phones became the new pagers. Payphones became extinct.

There’s a hundred thousand ways to stay connected now. ALL THE TIME. 

It’s really overwhelming and exhausting more now than before. Perhaps because I realize how cold and dark the world is and how much hate there really is. It’s astounding really to think there’s that much evil out there.

But this strange need to be in the know, checking in, scrolling away throughout the day. It’s a sick addiction and I need to make major effort to minimize the time I spend online.

Is it serving me or blocking me?

I deleted my FB app recently bc whew…who knew I knew so many haters???

So many exposed this year… it’s hard to accept.

It’s hard to know who’s genuine and real out there. I learn that sometimes people want to keep tabs and know what you’re up to yet they never lift you up. I have learned to stop being so trusting. Why is that so hard for me?

Social media is such a great tool for us in many ways but sometimes, you have to disconnect. You have to clear your mind and block out the negativity.

It’s okay to take a break.

Plus, at the end of the day, let’s be real. No one is really missing my stories or posts. It’s my small creative channel but like this blog, it’s for me and my own mental well being, to release the feelings I carry. To grow stronger by growing back my confidence. And sometimes, that means you have to protect your own energy and capacity for something you really believe in. Anyone feel me?

♥️ #MySelfReminders: You are allowed to grow apart with people who don’t show you a genuine side. You just need some realness.

xx

E